The question of when a relationship is committed is a source of much confusion and debate. We live in a time when the marriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is going up, and the majority of first-born children are now born to unmarried parents.
In this article I hope to shed some light on this question to facilitate your work with couples and individuals challenged by different perceptions of the status of their relationships.
COMMITMENT VS. PROMISE
I recently had a conversation with a woman who told me she had just broken off a "committed" relationship. A few questions later I learned that she had been dating this person for a year, they were not living together, and the reason she broke it off is that he "cheated."
We talked about pre-committed vs. committed relationships, and she agreed that it was a pre-committed relationship, but insisted that they had made a "commitment" to each other.
OK, things are getting clearer. On the one hand is the status of the relationship- pre-committed vs. committed, and on the other hand are commitments made within the relationship. Macro vs. micro. Two different things, right?
In our conversation, it occurred to me to make a distinction between a "Commitment" vs. a "Promise." They made a promise to each other within the context of a relationship that was not committed. That distinction seemed to help her make more sense of things.
When I asked the RCI coaches for feedback on the "commitment vs. promise" distinction, most felt that it was just semantics and there is not much of a difference. The general consensus was that when you make a promise you are making a commitment.
Well, I agree that it is a question of semantics, and here is my definition of terms:
PROMISE: Verbally stated future intention to perform a specific act.
- I promise to pick up your dry cleaning and not forget this time - I promise to be exclusive in our relationship
COMMITMENT: Both a FACT demonstrated by behavior, and an ATTITUDE consisting of thoughts and beliefs.
- I am committed to keeping my promises - I am committed to our relationship
In short, a promise is something you say, and a commitment is something you do. A promise is situation-specific. A commitment is contextual.
A promise is a small commitment. If a potential partner doesn't keep promises, I would question their ability to keep commitments, as they are definitely related.
CONFUSION ABOUT COMMITMENT
Whether or not you agree with my semantics, the distinction I made between a commitment and a promise was helpful for the above conversation.
The larger picture though, is that I see a lot of confusion about the status of today's relationships. Some years ago when I coined the term "pre-commitment" to describe couples that were exclusive but not yet committed, it was a helpful distinction, but the question remains- "What is commitment?"
When you are married, it is clear you are in a committed relationship. Your commitment is a legal contract and a publicly witnessed FACT. However, it is common for couples in trouble for one or both partners to have an uncommitted ATTITUDE.
I have talked with many unmarried people, as the woman above, who have described themselves in "committed relationships." They clearly have the attitude, but often have nothing but verbal promises (and sometimes not even that!) to demonstrate that the relationship is committed.
IN MY OPINION, YOU ARE -NOT- IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP IF:
1. Your partner is not aware your relationship is committed
2. You are wondering if this relationship is committed
3. You and your partner have differences of opinion about the status of your relationship
4. Your family and friends have different perceptions about the status of your relationship
5. You and your partner have not acted to explicitly formalize your commitment in some way
6. You are relying on verbal promises without a significant track record of them being kept
A commitment is explicit and unambiguous. A commitment is a formal event of some kind between two people. A commitment is something you DO over time. A real commitment is usually legally enforceable and there are consequences for breaking it.
And, for a relationship to be truly committed, there are no exits- mentally, emotionally, or physically. When the going gets rough, you make it work.
CONTINUUM OF COMMITMENT
Commitment is not a light switch that goes from "off" to "on." When building a relationship with someone, the level of commitment gradually increases.
Then you have all the shades of gray. living together, dating exclusively for more than a year, even engaged to be married, that might look and feel like commitment, but is it really?
FACT VS. ATTITUDE
Commitment in a relationship is complicated in that it takes two people, and it requires an alignment of FACT (events, actions) and ATTITUDE (thoughts, beliefs) for both of them.
It is common to be committed in fact (e.g. "married") but not in attitude (e.g. "I'm not sure this is the right relationship for me").
It is also common to be pre-committed in fact (e.g. dating exclusively) and committed in attitude (e.g. "This is 'The One!' ").
In my work with couples I have found that the most important variable determining their future success is their level of commitment to the relationship.
In my experience, when couples are committed in fact, but not in attitude, their prognosis is poor.
Then, there are the pre-committed couples that generally fall into two categories-
UNCONSCIOUS- typically following the "mini-marriage" model of trying the relationship out, acting committed without actually making the commitment. A disconnect of fact and attitude.
CONSCIOUS- aware that they are not yet committed, usually have commitment as a goal, asking themselves "Is this the right relationship for me? Should I make a commitment?" An alignment of fact and attitude.
CONCLUSION
So, when is a relationship committed?
-- When there is an alignment of fact and attitude.
What creates the "fact" of commitment?
I propose these three criterion:
CRITERIA #1: Promises made to each other about the permanent nature of the relationship that are kept
CRITERIA #2: Explicit, formal, public declaration
CRITERIA #3: Unambiguous to partners and others
In today's world, if all three of the above are met, I would say it is a committed relationship, whether legally married or not.
I sincerely hope this article helps address the common questions about commitment that arise in relationship coaching. There are no pat answers or prescriptions, but it is my hope that these ideas and concepts will help you have productive conversations with your clients that are caught in the gray areas to support them to make effective relationship choices.
Relationship
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
5 Reasons Love Takes Six Months In A New Relationship
Love takes time. A minimum would be six months of dating to even accurately say "I love you." What about love at first sight and all the other miracle attractions of life, cinema and fiction? They are the exceptions, often rare if successful, to the Rule -- Love takes Six Months. Why? You cannot love someone you do not know and it takes time to get to know someone. Dating is a euphoric state in which each party wants the other to like them. So everybody is on good behavior, trying to empress, hoping weaknesses don't show through to soon, taking extra care with appearance and niceties. Over time you see a person at their best and worst. Specifically pay attention to relationships with family members, attitudes about ex's and others of your gender. Then just before you utter the "L" word ask these nine questions about yourself and the other person:
1. What is the dating history?
One pattern to look at is too much/too little. Beware of the person who has been " in love" a lot. Such a person may be in love with the idea of being in love and continues to move one warm body in after another. Or there is such a fear of loneliness someone has to be in their life. Or there is strong emotional neediness to be loved or to love that a vacuum is abhorred. People who have never dated or dated very little likely know very little about the skills necessary to sustain an ongoing intimate relationship. Or the person is jumping on the first person who shows interest in them to escape a bad home, relationship or life circumstance i.e. broke, unemployed, debt, etc.
2. What is the roommate history?
Most of the time roommates voluntarily select each other. Get this history early in the dating process, because once people think you are "serious" you may not hear the truth. Beware of a person who has had four different roommates in two years. Is the person irresponsible by not paying a share of the bills on time? Or rude or unthoughtful by playing music loud when a roomie has a big deadline or a project. Talk to short term roommates about issues of disrespect, dishonesty, or selfish, narcissistic behavior.
3. Are there any family issues?
Is there a family history of abuse -- verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual? These abuses can leave feelings and reactions that fast forward into here and now relationships. People can overcome these abuses, but it often requires therapy, hard personal work, and/or patient supportive healthy relationships. Carefully consider a family history of addictions, mental illness, or divorce. This is not an exhaustive list but certainly include those issues most often discussed as problematic. These issues, if present, do not have to be a deal breaker for a relationship but should be carefully considered as to there impact on a marriage, children, in-laws and your future.
4. What is the history of friendships?
Friendships tell volumes about a person's ability to get along in the broadest universe of relationships. Harry Stack Sullivan, eminent American psychiatrist, believed even the most horrible hurts in childhood could be overcome with a good friend in a process he called "chumship." Have friendships lasted since childhood or adolescence? Are most of these people emotionally healthy, leading productive lives, and have stable relationships. A yellow caution light ought to go off in your head if someone you are dating only has crazy, messed up friends. Or if the person tends to have a new best friend and all past friends are trivialized or hated. At the least it may mean extensive use of cutoff or alienation if the person is hurt, at the worst it could mean use of splitting which indicates a character disorder.
The first four questions ask about history. The answers are usually in the form of observable, countable facts. Some say love is blind. Well it sure can be dumb if we don't ask important sometimes hard questions.
5. Are each of you happy persons?
One of the myths in our culture is I can marry happiness. If I find Mr./Ms. Right I'll be happy! Wrong! Each person carries happiness within the self. Imagine its a bucket within your personality. Whatever has happened to you for good creates a reservoir of happiness. Whatever has happened to you for bad creates holes in your bucket. Life is the challenge of patching the holes and keeping the bucket filled within. No amount of someone pouring goodies and love form the outside will keep you happy long if the holes remain unpatched.
1. What is the dating history?
One pattern to look at is too much/too little. Beware of the person who has been " in love" a lot. Such a person may be in love with the idea of being in love and continues to move one warm body in after another. Or there is such a fear of loneliness someone has to be in their life. Or there is strong emotional neediness to be loved or to love that a vacuum is abhorred. People who have never dated or dated very little likely know very little about the skills necessary to sustain an ongoing intimate relationship. Or the person is jumping on the first person who shows interest in them to escape a bad home, relationship or life circumstance i.e. broke, unemployed, debt, etc.
2. What is the roommate history?
Most of the time roommates voluntarily select each other. Get this history early in the dating process, because once people think you are "serious" you may not hear the truth. Beware of a person who has had four different roommates in two years. Is the person irresponsible by not paying a share of the bills on time? Or rude or unthoughtful by playing music loud when a roomie has a big deadline or a project. Talk to short term roommates about issues of disrespect, dishonesty, or selfish, narcissistic behavior.
3. Are there any family issues?
Is there a family history of abuse -- verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual? These abuses can leave feelings and reactions that fast forward into here and now relationships. People can overcome these abuses, but it often requires therapy, hard personal work, and/or patient supportive healthy relationships. Carefully consider a family history of addictions, mental illness, or divorce. This is not an exhaustive list but certainly include those issues most often discussed as problematic. These issues, if present, do not have to be a deal breaker for a relationship but should be carefully considered as to there impact on a marriage, children, in-laws and your future.
4. What is the history of friendships?
Friendships tell volumes about a person's ability to get along in the broadest universe of relationships. Harry Stack Sullivan, eminent American psychiatrist, believed even the most horrible hurts in childhood could be overcome with a good friend in a process he called "chumship." Have friendships lasted since childhood or adolescence? Are most of these people emotionally healthy, leading productive lives, and have stable relationships. A yellow caution light ought to go off in your head if someone you are dating only has crazy, messed up friends. Or if the person tends to have a new best friend and all past friends are trivialized or hated. At the least it may mean extensive use of cutoff or alienation if the person is hurt, at the worst it could mean use of splitting which indicates a character disorder.
The first four questions ask about history. The answers are usually in the form of observable, countable facts. Some say love is blind. Well it sure can be dumb if we don't ask important sometimes hard questions.
5. Are each of you happy persons?
One of the myths in our culture is I can marry happiness. If I find Mr./Ms. Right I'll be happy! Wrong! Each person carries happiness within the self. Imagine its a bucket within your personality. Whatever has happened to you for good creates a reservoir of happiness. Whatever has happened to you for bad creates holes in your bucket. Life is the challenge of patching the holes and keeping the bucket filled within. No amount of someone pouring goodies and love form the outside will keep you happy long if the holes remain unpatched.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Relationship Advice - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair
Affairs, including emotional affairs, are typicall unplanned events. Even when we are on that slippery slope, we convince ourselves everything in OK.
"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for your relationship and marriage.
But over and over in my office and on the phone I hear it: "We are just friends, there is nothing going on."
The majority of extramarital affairs begin as "just friends." While it is certainly true that there are affairs that begin with impulsive one-night stands with a stranger, the most common ones that I see begin as "just friends." In fact, if you find yourself thinking or saying "but we are just friends" you are probably already in trouble.
Gary Rosberg of America's Family Coaches states that there are at least 19 stages a person will pass through on the way to physically consummating an extramarital affair. There are at least two important notions that we can lift from Rosberg's statement:
1) At each and every one of the 19 steps, you have a clear choice between going further down or stopping the process. In other words, these things don't "just happen."
2) An affair - by the way, I hate that term!
It makes it sound like it is this wonderful experience with no consequences ... as in "It was a grand affair." In my marital counseling and relationship coaching experience, adultery breaks up marriages, wrecks families and crushes kids.
Anyway, now that my rant is over, an affair becomes adultery long before the physical act. In fact, emotional affairs can be stronger and more difficult to get out of than physical affairs.
The late Shirly Glass was a pioneer in the area of emotional affairs. In her 2003 book "NOT Just Friends: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal," Glass identifies three red flags that indicate that you have progressed from a safe friendship to a romantic emotional affair.
1) You feel closer to your friend than you do your spouse.
You find yourself thinking of this person more and more often and looking forward to the next time you are together. When something happens during the day, the first person you think of telling is this friend, not your spouse.
2) Keeping secrets.
You no longer feel comfortable telling your spouse about this person. You begin to cover up so as not to be found out.
3) An increasing sexual tension.
You admit your attraction for each other, but promise (complain) that you can never act on it. You fantasize what it would be like to be with this person. This helps to create a pretend world where everything would be wonderful if the two of you could just be together.
One of the most overlooked and dangerous facts about emotional affairs is that we are all vulnerable. If you believe that this fact does not apply to you, then you are even more vulnerable than everyone else.
How to protect yourself and your relationship
Keep clear boundaries. A boundary is simply what kids mean when they say "don't go there."
Avoid being alone with and/or emotionally close to someone to whom you are attracted.
Talk often about your spouse. "Spouse bashing" does not count. Talk about what you have done lately and what you are looking forward to with your spouse.
If you are going to talk about emotional issues in your marriage, make sure you are talking to your spouse, a trusted friend who is on the side of you and your marriage or a professional who is on the side of your marriage.
Be especially careful at work. More and more emotional affairs are occurring in the workplace. You spend time together, you go through crises together, you solve problems together. Do not make a habit of taking private lunches or breaks with the same person over and over.
Set up a review committee in your mind. Ask yourself, "Would my wife, my mom, my wife's mom, my sister approve of what I am doing right now?" or, "Would my husband, my dad, my husband's dad, my brother approve of what I am doing right now?"
If the answer is no, then I offer you what I call my RLH prescription.
RHL stands for Run Like Hell!
Here is a cold dose of reality: 75 percent of marriages between affair partners result in divorce.
Not at all the result wanted at the beginning of an emotional affair.
"But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for your relationship and marriage.
But over and over in my office and on the phone I hear it: "We are just friends, there is nothing going on."
The majority of extramarital affairs begin as "just friends." While it is certainly true that there are affairs that begin with impulsive one-night stands with a stranger, the most common ones that I see begin as "just friends." In fact, if you find yourself thinking or saying "but we are just friends" you are probably already in trouble.
Gary Rosberg of America's Family Coaches states that there are at least 19 stages a person will pass through on the way to physically consummating an extramarital affair. There are at least two important notions that we can lift from Rosberg's statement:
1) At each and every one of the 19 steps, you have a clear choice between going further down or stopping the process. In other words, these things don't "just happen."
2) An affair - by the way, I hate that term!
It makes it sound like it is this wonderful experience with no consequences ... as in "It was a grand affair." In my marital counseling and relationship coaching experience, adultery breaks up marriages, wrecks families and crushes kids.
Anyway, now that my rant is over, an affair becomes adultery long before the physical act. In fact, emotional affairs can be stronger and more difficult to get out of than physical affairs.
The late Shirly Glass was a pioneer in the area of emotional affairs. In her 2003 book "NOT Just Friends: Protect your relationship from infidelity and heal the trauma of betrayal," Glass identifies three red flags that indicate that you have progressed from a safe friendship to a romantic emotional affair.
1) You feel closer to your friend than you do your spouse.
You find yourself thinking of this person more and more often and looking forward to the next time you are together. When something happens during the day, the first person you think of telling is this friend, not your spouse.
2) Keeping secrets.
You no longer feel comfortable telling your spouse about this person. You begin to cover up so as not to be found out.
3) An increasing sexual tension.
You admit your attraction for each other, but promise (complain) that you can never act on it. You fantasize what it would be like to be with this person. This helps to create a pretend world where everything would be wonderful if the two of you could just be together.
One of the most overlooked and dangerous facts about emotional affairs is that we are all vulnerable. If you believe that this fact does not apply to you, then you are even more vulnerable than everyone else.
How to protect yourself and your relationship
Keep clear boundaries. A boundary is simply what kids mean when they say "don't go there."
Avoid being alone with and/or emotionally close to someone to whom you are attracted.
Talk often about your spouse. "Spouse bashing" does not count. Talk about what you have done lately and what you are looking forward to with your spouse.
If you are going to talk about emotional issues in your marriage, make sure you are talking to your spouse, a trusted friend who is on the side of you and your marriage or a professional who is on the side of your marriage.
Be especially careful at work. More and more emotional affairs are occurring in the workplace. You spend time together, you go through crises together, you solve problems together. Do not make a habit of taking private lunches or breaks with the same person over and over.
Set up a review committee in your mind. Ask yourself, "Would my wife, my mom, my wife's mom, my sister approve of what I am doing right now?" or, "Would my husband, my dad, my husband's dad, my brother approve of what I am doing right now?"
If the answer is no, then I offer you what I call my RLH prescription.
RHL stands for Run Like Hell!
Here is a cold dose of reality: 75 percent of marriages between affair partners result in divorce.
Not at all the result wanted at the beginning of an emotional affair.
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